6 min
Healthy, unhealthy, and the bit in between
What a good relationship actually looks like day to day, and the difference between a rough patch and a pattern.
Read
Relationships
Friendships, romance, and the bits that are hard to name
Friendships and romantic relationships, including the parts that are hard to name. Nothing here assumes anything about who you are or who you're interested in.
The most useful test there is
Are you the same person around them that you are on your own? If you've gone quieter, smaller or more careful since this started — friendship or romance — that's worth taking seriously, even if you can't point to anything specific that went wrong.
6 min
Red flags, including the quiet ones
The obvious warning signs, and the subtle ones that are easier to mistake for love.
Read
5 min
Saying the hard thing
Actual scripts for setting a boundary, having a difficult conversation, or ending something.
Read
Quietly good signs
Healthy is less dramatic than films suggest. It mostly looks like this.
- You can say no without paying for it later
- They're interested in your other friendships, not competing with them
- Arguments end instead of being stored up
- You don't rehearse conversations to avoid setting them off
- You'd be fine with people you trust seeing how they treat you
Dressed up as romance
These rarely announce themselves. They arrive as intensity or protection.
- Wanting all your time, framed as missing you
- Checking your phone or location, framed as trust
- Deciding what you wear or who you talk to
- Threats — to leave, to self-harm, to share something
- Being wonderful right after being cruel
Sentences you can borrow
They sound stiff written down. They work anyway — having one ready is the difference between saying something and saying nothing.
“I'm not okay with that.”“I'm not sharing my passwords with anyone.”“I'm too wound up to do this properly. Give me twenty minutes.”“No. I don't need a reason.”“This isn't working for me.”
Feeling guilty afterwards is normal and isn't evidence you were wrong. How they respond is the informative part.
Quiz: relationships
Six questions on healthy versus unhealthy, the warning signs that get disguised as love, and what to do about them.
If any of this describes your relationship, you don't have to be certain or have decided anything before talking to someone. Childline (0800 1111) will talk it through without telling you what to do.